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User blog:Keplers/VNOG Parody Part 2
For those who haven't read the first part: Part 1. I thought we could journey uneventfully. However, the late Protodermis Cartel Burnak had other plans. Two Earth Gafna attacked us, but I killed them with my DC-15. They had been chasing us down. Fools. We finally reached the entry point which was guarded by a macho lava gorilla. Garan told me to set up a diversion and them run through while it was distracted. We succeeded. However, I knew that if the gorilla survived, we'd be found again. I called him back and blasted him once in the heart. We continued to his safety point. "Crap! I left valuable items in the village now overrun by self-repairing spider robots! You go get them!" "Well, as it happens, Ivhave some of the stuff in my pocket." "Weiiird. You're like Mary Poppins. Alright. NO! I hear a Nektann alarm! They must be doing a drill. If I'm right, they'll come right up here! Wipe them out!" "Yes, my master. And what of their masters?" "Sue them. Sue them now." "Yes." "Oh, and one more thing: Don't use your blasters this time, it will be too loud." I traveled down to the village. Sure enough, crawling with Nektann and Guardians. Time to go BA. I RAN RIGHT UP TO THEM SHOUTING EULALIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I flung my Ice power right at the Guardians, but both missed! The robots had dodged my attack! The Guardians shot back at me while a Scout Nektann hurried to inform its last comrade of my presence. I fired twice at the nearest Guardian. Finally, dead! And with ice all over and inside it, it can't repair itself. I managed to kill the last Guardian too, but not before the Scout got a special friend involved: A Defense Nektann. I went down to confront them and kill the Scout, but the Defense Nektann fired rockets at me! I fired back twice but missed both times. It grappled me back with its 3DMG and I was forced with a horrible realization: The bigger they come, the harder they fall. But I was a shrimpy Piraka. I shot it over and over, shouting, "I WILL NOT FALL!" It fell to my powers. I was greater than any Toa. I was a lawyer. "I have killed them all, my master." "Excellent. They might know I'm here in this safe area. Instead, let's go right next to the village in an area infested with soldiers where they couldn't possibly find me." "Even I know that plan is BS. " "What?! They'll never try looking for me in such a suicidally dangerous location! Who would be stupid enough to hide there!" "Darth Garan, terrorist leader of Al Voya." "Shut up and escort me, attorney." So we traveled to the village wasteland, a garbage dump full of broken weapons... and bodies. "No. I feel a disturbance, Vezon. THEY HAVE SENT MORE NEKTANN! Eradicate them!" "Yes, my master. Hyah!" I spurred my Fenrakk to raid the Matoran Village. Ironically, my first assailant was a Repair Nektann, even though I thought they could repair themselves. As is always my number one rule in combat: Kill the medic. I blasted it twice with my Element and once with my blaster to finish it off. It was a smoking heap. But the others survived. I quickly called them and executed them in cold blood. I went through the rest of the village, wiping them all out... with this marching song playing in my head. An Imperial marching song. Sheriff Reidak arrived to arrest Garan. I knew I should help him... but I'd been hired. And I never break a contract. I shot him and moved defensively in front of Garan. "Don't even try it." "V-V-Vezon? Help us! You must destroy him!" "I cannot do that, Sheriff Reidak. "Kill him, Vezon! Quickly!" "What?! No! Vezon, help me end this threat!" "I'm sorry." I killed him, and slaughtered his Nektann shortly after. "Very good, Vezon. Now we must go to our secret compound in the desert." "Are you sure you aren't leading some terrorist cell?" "On the contrary I am ver sure I do." "..." "Don't worry. First I need Burnak-skin rugs to get through. Kill a couple dozen Burnak so they'll grant us entry." I killed every one of the beasts. Worthless dogs. I brought their hides to my master. "The colonies are no more." I was instructed to go to his compound and speak to Balta. I was greeted by two katana flying at my face. "I'LL KILL YOU ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "... Shut up, creep." I blasted the swords away. He talked with me about his stupid cause. I reported to Garan. "Good. Now find Velika, our Great Being. He invents nuclear weapons for us to use on the Piraka." I found him. "Go to our launcher store." I went there, but no sign of the armor. I went to talk to Velika. "AHA! This was but a test. Go back to Garan." "Did I pass or fail?" "Not telling. Leave." I went back to Garan. "Go kill the crabs, #^(%!%& annoying things." "It shall be done." Easy killing. "Word on the street is we've found Thok up in the icy regions, looking to see if the oil industry is right to invest in. Take him out, and be careful: He may have soldiers disguised as trees." Yep. The trees jumped out at me. I played lumberjack. "THOK! I don't want to kill you! Give up this mad dream! Go back to New Atero!" "I want to get rich! Stay out of my way!" "You leave me no choice..." PATWOW! I reported back to Captain Balta. "Report to Garan." "..." "Okay, Vezon. There's a cave on the island that allows me to get to my hideout on the east coast. Kill the Nektann standing guard." "Yes sir." Pyew, pyew, pyew. "Good, Vezon, good. Find Piruk and rebuild the lightstone. Then you can see in the dark." Category:Blog posts